Relationships….how much to compromise?

So….. after my last post, the ever dreaded feeling of…but what if it changes or what if we are meant to be?

Let me start at the beginning so you can understand my actions.

We met back when I was 17… back when I was a confident, young, provocative woman wondering what life was all about. This intriguing young man used to frequent the clothes store I worked at. Firstly because he was best friends with a co-worker, but I soon realised it was mostly for me. I enjoyed the attention and he in turn, enjoyed my shy demeanour. Him, a 22 year old boy…mixed race with freckles. Me, a village girl with zero experience to match.

I was overly confident as most girls are at that age but on the inside, just figuring out what life was all about. He on the other hand being slightly older, gave me food for thought. He liked all the things I liked. He liked the music I liked. He was very mature for his age and I saw something in him that stuck with me.

That was until I received a message from his ‘girlfriend’ telling me to back off. At 17 years old I wasn’t short of suitors, I did not want to get caught up in any drama. I did however like him, what to do? He choose her over me in the end…and the¬† reason why as told by my co-worker? He wasn’t sure if he should leave his ‘girlfriend’ at this time as he thought no-one would be able to take his erhum….. trouser snake.

Seriously…. what a shitty excuse.

He had obviously been with this woman for a while but what I couldn’t understand, if he was so unhappy why not leave? Why kiss me when we got that bus to your new job? Why make me mix CD’s with love songs on? Why mess around with me back then if you had a girlfriend.

I decided not to question things further fearing that I would ruin his relationship, nice me hey!

It wasn’t until I was lonely when I got back from Dubai last year that I joined tinder. Don’t get me wrong, I talked to anyone and everyone just to feel like I was connected just for that short time. I never planned to meet up with anyone or god forbid exchange pictures…urgh!! I wanted a little pick me up, I was 29 living back home with my mother after years of living on my own and had no friends to talk to. That’s generally what happens when you travel a lot but never gets any easier.

Anyway… I was swiping away one day on my break at work and I pass a familiar face. I was in a room with 3 other people, I laughed, shouted the usual ‘no fucking way’ and smiled. It was him, the one that got away, the one that never was, I couldn’t believe it! I looked at the pictures just to make sure it was him, one of the pictures was from 13 years ago. I remember my heart flipping, I couldn’t just ignore it. I HAD to talk to him.

I swiped right straight away and I remember it coming up with ‘matched’. I can not tell you in that immediate second how I felt. I remember messaging straight away…’hello stranger’ and it really lead on from there. We always had a connection, always thought of each other. That night I called him after work, we talked for an hour and he described his life from when he met me. It turned out that he had married that woman but not had children and they were now divorced. I cant lie, I was very disappointed to learn that but not surprised.

We spoke for a few days intensely before we chose to meet. He invited me to his, but I had not planned to stay over. I made that quite clear. We arranged a convenient day and I remember getting out of the cab and walking up the path. It must have been half way through January, freezing cold and a nervous me waiting for him at the entry door.

He kissed me straight¬†away on the lips which was quite strange and made me feel a little uncomfortable at first. As the night went on, I remember drinking until we were sitting on the floor, him playing me his favourite tracks on YouTube and me showing him what I liked. Things couldn’t go any better.

Sparks flew, we got on like a house on fire and crazy us… we started planning thing together stating “we had waited too long!” It was nice, I finally realise what I wanted, it was everything he was about. Everything he showed me in the next few weeks, how much he adored me. There was just one thing, the ex-wife.

Oh yes, they were not only still in contact but by the sounds of it, quite good friends (coffee etc). Ermm…. that doesn’t add up to me. Clearly i wasn’t happy about it, considering he chose her over me all those years ago. But not only that, there were comments made to try to make him jealous;

her: can you sort out my ipod, can I meet you to do it?

him: you just need to download the songs to your laptop and then transfer. I don’t think Josie will like us meeting up.

her: no probs….anyway i’ve got a date with two guys next week…

If thats not a jealous woman I don’t know what is, but I had to put up with this for….MONTHS! (later I found a message from her asking for a picture innocently and him replying, what picture lol. which by the way he felt nothing wrong with that)

Anyway my point to our history is I still have major issues with the above for the right reasons and I cant just ‘let it go’ like he asks. He says he doesn’t speak with her but how can I trust him? Not only that but all the accusations about me? Don’t they say its a guilty man that asks many questions?

Anyway….. food for thought.

Until the next chapter.

 

 

 

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Break up’s at 30 years old – How to feel?

Laying in bed on a Tuesday morning thinking, how did it get to this? Two weeks ago we were happy, laughing and enjoying each others company. What happened?

Yesterday my boyfriend of 8 months ended our relationship over the phone. Now normally, and this has happened on several occasions, we would fight it out and I would vow to change; This time I didn’t.

I didn’t try to convince him that’s not what I meant, I didn’t try to tell him I would not do that again. I accepted that he was done. I lost the fight in me.

Am I sad? Yes! Am I sad that I invested 8 months in to the relationship and it ended or am I more upset over the fact that I won’t see this person again? Im not entirely sure.

How should I feel? Seeing all my old friends around me getting engaged and having children, I feel pressure to find someone and settle down and start my own family. Does that mean we stay in a relationship we know is no good for either of you just because the few ‘good day’s’ may be worth it? In reality like a lot of others, I just do not want to be alone.

There are so many things we compromise within a relationship and many will think this is what your mean to do. In actuality, I changed so much not even the person I loved recognised me. Maybe the break up was due to this and many other reasons. I am however left wondering how easy it was to end things and if all of the changes we made to accommodate each other was ultimately the reason why it didn’t work.

Should I have tried harder? Should I have distanced myself from things I would normally do so it would make him feel more comfortable? I don’t know even if I did do that, that down the line somewhere there would be another similar related issue? I think we do think of all the things we could have done or said differently when a relationship ends. But are we brave enough to accept we just weren’t right for each other, or do we continue to play the blame game?

How are you supposed to feel? Do you contact them? How long am I meant to feel like this for? There’s so many things that are wirling through my head and I don’t have the answer for any of them. They do say time is a healer but how long will it actually be?

For now I’m hoping that this blog comforts someone who is going through a similar situation. You are not alone.